A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I mean…but I did
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*