[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The Compass
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank