My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You Might Also Like
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
sugar glider wrangler
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.