Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.