PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My favorite farside!!
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey