Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
WWE is French for “yes”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store