What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
You Might Also Like
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES