UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.