When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.