Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I鈥檇 be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Me: I鈥檒l have a medium coffee
Barista: That鈥檒l be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That鈥檒l be $17.95
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain鈥檛 coming unless it鈥檚 her idea.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don鈥檛 really think that鈥檚 what Jesus would have wanted
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
A drum solo but on your face.
Them: you鈥檙e fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I鈥檓 gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”