I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit