“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.