While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names