I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
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How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.