I hate my earbuds.
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Meow
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice