I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You Might Also Like
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.