Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
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Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.