Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.