Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
You Might Also Like
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
🤣🤣🤣
Good point.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did