The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Meow
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no