The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”