I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
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im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.