mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
You Might Also Like
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.