*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.