My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*