When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bubl茅 bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBL脡: Are you getting in or what?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
ME: *exists*
KID: that鈥檚 not how mommy does it
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Festive toon…
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma鈥檚 figurine collection?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
did it work
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that鈥檚 the hardest dungeon of all
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they鈥檙e not laughing now.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.