Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table