I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Lol.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”