“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
You Might Also Like
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Can’t. Being lazy.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.