He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I wanna be friends with this person
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.