My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
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When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that