It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.