I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.