Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake