Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
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6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.