I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Wait a minute…
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all