“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
huge if true: the moon
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.