I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.