Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Fiction has to make sense.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours