i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Autocorrect completely socks
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne