I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
i now pronounce you bounced.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me checking my bank balance online.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
when you order from DoorDastardly
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE