OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it