Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My inexpensive home security system…
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.