[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.