Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
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6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time