A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Cool shirt 🙂
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever