Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps