*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’m too immature for adultery.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases