So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
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Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
So true for me
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.