I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
You Might Also Like
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
A completely valid reaction tbh
Okey dokey.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“What?”
– Jude
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.